Finding True Love and Passion (According to the Movies)

Alone this Valentine’s Day? No worries. The movies have taught us that finding your true love and hot passionate sex is only moments away. Here are 14 guidelines to remember on this February 14th.

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  1. Can’t find your true love? Make sure you are immersed in the biggest professional crisis of your life. True love is sure to follow.
  2. If you find your true love, you can be certain he/she will be reciprocate instantly.
  3. But if you don’t fall in love at first sight, make sure you become enemies. Then you’ll fall in love. Hatred makes excellent foreplay.
  4. Even if the world is about to end or you are about to be assassinated or attacked by zombies or are currently in a dank cellar – sudden, unprotected sex is perfectly appropriate.
  5. While having that sudden, unprotected sex, you will be impervious to any outside harm. (The minute it’s over, things might change)
  6. Make sure that your first time involves as much ripping of clothing and knocking over of furniture as possible. If you can have sex without foreplay on a stove or in back of a car or on a nature trail or in that dank cellar or anywhere uncomfortable, all the better.
  7. Magically, after ripping off each other’s clothing before sex, you will be modestly dressed by the time it is over.
  8. Remember that person you met just hours ago, were enemies, and had sex in a cellar before the zombie attack? He/she’s your true love forever. Unless her death makes a better plot point. Or if you refuse to be in the sequel, then you are a goner.
  9. Coy, playful, platonic relationships are best stretched out over many years with no follow-up.
  10. Warning: A Random Hook-Up can result in pregnancy. However, impulsive, unprotected sex with your true love (of the cellar floor kind) never does.
  11. Warning: Emotionless sex can result in the other person (usually a woman) trying to kill you right afterwards. That is never a commentary on your lovemaking.
  12. Random hook-ups, emotionless sex, and impulsive, unprotected true love sex do not result in STDs.
  13. Simultaneous orgasm is standard and typical.
  14. Remember, there’s nothing in the world better than “True Love” except a MLT sandwich where the mutton’s nice and lean…

movie-heartYour true love is out there – only a professional crisis, an impending zombie attack, and a cellar floor away.

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#BlogElul via the Movies 18 – True Love

Love…exciting and new. Come aboard.  We’re expecting you…

Unlike The Love Boat on Saturday nights when I was a kid, love doesn’t really come up on the High Holy Days. Love of God is a consistently used phrase – just look to the V’ahavta, You shall LOVE Adonai Your God. But we don’t talk about it much. And certainly romantic love is a rare topic on these days.

Love is reserved for people. And in the movies it is idolized: Love conquers all. In the brilliant recent Wes Anderson film, Moonrise Kingdom, love between two young teenagers who barely know each other overcomes all difficulties – and the movie is full of wonderful and absurd challenges – to find an ongoing passion. In The Princess Bride, “true love” is enough to bring Wesley back from the dead (thanks to Miracle Max). Or as Wesley himself says, “Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.”

Do movie romances last beyond the closing credits? Depends if there is a sequel and the actors sign on for it. An article in Cracked.com argues against some romances surviving. And sometimes they don’t. Poor King Kong died over his unrequited love for Fay Wray. In the wonderful (500) Days of Summer, true love exists, just not between the protaganists. In Titanic, Kate Winslet apparently didn’t understand how to share her life raft with her true love. There was PLENTY of room for both. And then she tossed away an expensive necklace for no reason either. And the love between Ariel and Eric where she gives up everything for him (and she’s a rich princess, so it isn’t money or power) is somewhat disturbing.

But as unrealistic as movie love is, it gives us hope. Perhaps unrealistic hopes of “meet cute” and “love is blind,” but still hope. For those searching for love in this new year, we can still find it the movies tell us. For those in a relationship, go see Hope Springs and find new life in that love. Love is a vital part of our healthy soul. This year, find a way to increase the true love in your life. Doubt it? Just hit the multiplex.

#BlogElul is the brainchild of @imabima who blogs at imabima.blogspot.com. For the 30 days of Elul, the spiritual preparation before the Jewish High Holy Days, many Jews will be reflecting on the themes of the season. My posts will all be through the lens of movies. You can see all the themes in the graphic. Follow all the other excellent postings through Twitter at #BlogElul along with related items #Elulgram and #PopCultureElul.