Alone this Valentine’s Day? No worries. The movies have taught us that finding your true love and hot passionate sex is only moments away. Here are 14 guidelines to remember on this February 14th.
- Can’t find your true love? Make sure you are immersed in the biggest professional crisis of your life. True love is sure to follow.
- If you find your true love, you can be certain he/she will be reciprocate instantly.
- But if you don’t fall in love at first sight, make sure you become enemies. Then you’ll fall in love. Hatred makes excellent foreplay.
- Even if the world is about to end or you are about to be assassinated or attacked by zombies or are currently in a dank cellar – sudden, unprotected sex is perfectly appropriate.
- While having that sudden, unprotected sex, you will be impervious to any outside harm. (The minute it’s over, things might change)
- Make sure that your first time involves as much ripping of clothing and knocking over of furniture as possible. If you can have sex without foreplay on a stove or in back of a car or on a nature trail or in that dank cellar or anywhere uncomfortable, all the better.
- Magically, after ripping off each other’s clothing before sex, you will be modestly dressed by the time it is over.
- Remember that person you met just hours ago, were enemies, and had sex in a cellar before the zombie attack? He/she’s your true love forever. Unless her death makes a better plot point. Or if you refuse to be in the sequel, then you are a goner.
- Coy, playful, platonic relationships are best stretched out over many years with no follow-up.
- Warning: A Random Hook-Up can result in pregnancy. However, impulsive, unprotected sex with your true love (of the cellar floor kind) never does.
- Warning: Emotionless sex can result in the other person (usually a woman) trying to kill you right afterwards. That is never a commentary on your lovemaking.
- Random hook-ups, emotionless sex, and impulsive, unprotected true love sex do not result in STDs.
- Simultaneous orgasm is standard and typical.
- Remember, there’s nothing in the world better than “True Love” except a MLT sandwich where the mutton’s nice and lean…